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Eco Satire: "Nacho Average Sun"
- Jennifer Peaslee
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
"Nacho Average Sun" was first published in State of Matter.
This is a darkly satirical epistolary piece that I wrote after ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods blamed the public for climate change.
Nacho Average Sun
Press Release: Taco Bell Offering Limited Time Menu Featuring New Bold Flavors
Irvine, California (Dec. 23, 2024) — Effective immediately, fans can enjoy a new Sunshine menu featuring a Cheesy Chalupa, a hardshell Double Nacho Cheese Taco and Plasma Twists. Fans can also order Taco Bell’s iconic Nacho Cheese Sauce a la carte and create their own cheese-tastic combinations.
Parker Solar Probe Briefing
December 23, 2024
NASA’s Parker Solar Probe, a historic mission poised to transform our understanding of the Sun, is scheduled to reach its closest point to the Sun on Tuesday, Dec. 24, Eastern Time. The spacecraft has withstood brutal heat and radiation to deliver unparalleled observations of the only star we can study up close.
Coverage will begin on NASA Television and the agency’s website at 4:00 p.m. EDT.
White House Press Release: Announcement of Findings from Parker Solar Probe
On December 24, 2024, NASA’s Parker Solar Probe reached a scientific milestone by flying over seven times closer to the Sun than previous spacecraft, orbiting just within 3.8 million miles of the Sun’s surface. During yesterday’s flyby, the probe’s science team analyzed the most recent data and concluded the Sun’s plasma is not, as previously thought, comprised primarily of hydrogen.
Analysis reveals that the Sun’s plasma is predominantly lactose, plus a mix of vegetable oil, modified food starch, maltodextrin, salt, dipotassium phosphate, Capsicum annuum, acetic acid, lactic acid, cellulose gum, potassium citrate, sodium stearoyl lactylate, citric acid, annatto and oleoresin paprika.
NASA has assured the White House that these findings are legitimate.
The President will provide more information as it is received.
We urge the American people, and all the people of the world, to stay calm.
Substack Post: The Sun Is Made Of Nacho Cheese. Now What?
January 1, 2025
Happy New Year, readers!
I was convinced that the nacho cheese announcement was a prank, but… the data has been verified by scientists globally.
The implications are enormous. But I say, look to the future of food! Now that you can buy Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Sauce on its own, you can cook your own Sun-fun creations. Enjoy these five nacho-inspired meals, and drop a comment on which one was your favorite.
Stay cheesy, my friends.
Climate Change journal
“Concerns of Sun Mining by Taco Bell”
Open access | Volume 178, published Summer 2025
C. Major, J. Baker, M. Scott
Abstract: This paper examines the correlation between the recent NASA discovery of the Sun’s composition, revealing unexpectedly high levels of compounds structurally identical to processed nacho cheese, and the concurrent release of Taco Bell’s expanded nacho-based menu offerings. Our analysis identifies a statistically significant negative trend in solar luminosity measurements beginning in the early 1990s, coinciding with the introduction of Taco Bell’s signature nacho cheese products. We propose that Taco Bell may possess privileged access to solar mining technologies. If the fast-food restaurant continues any covert mining it may be practicing, Earth’s climate will experience negative consequences.
Melinda Davies @DreamDivergent posted on June 13, 2025, “If the SUN is made of cheese, what’s the MOON made of?”
Wendy’s @Wendy’s posted on August 2, 2025, “Get ready to launch your taste buds into orbit this September with Wendy’s out-of-this-world Nacho Supremes! Made with authentic Sun sauce. #WendysWins #NachoMania”
Samplings from nona’s Winter 2025 prix fixe menu
moss, creamy nacho cheese sauce, topped with bee larvae
butternut squash soup, infused with nacho cheese sauce, topped with sour cream
beef sausage, nacho cheese sauce reduction, sweet potato
cumin-spiced lava cake with nacho cheese filling, alongside savory ice cream
Superior Court of Orange County, California
Natural Resources Defense Council vs. Taco Bell Corporation
Defense opening statement
February 9, 2026
Mr. Gilbreth: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the accusations that the prosecution has brought forward are nothing more than a cheap dog and pony show. The prosecution says they will prove that Taco Bell has been mining the Sun for decades, but they will produce no evidence, only speculation. Taco Bell claims no responsibility for its classic Nacho Cheese Sauce recipe being identical to the Sun’s plasma. It simply has a recipe, a delicious recipe, that the world can’t get enough of. Is that a crime? No, it is not.
Straight Talk podcast transcript
December 2026
[Opening music]
Todd Evans: Welcome to another episode of Straight Talk, with your hosts, Todd and Angie.
Angela Booth: Today, we’re talking about an issue that’s “out of this world”. It’s been two years since NASA rocked the world with its findings. By now, you’ve heard: no longer content with buying Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Sauce directly, fast food corporations have built their own massive solar probes, shaped like tortilla chips, to scoop up the Sun’s plasma cheese. It seems that the floodgates were released after Taco Bell won its recent lawsuit against the NRDC.
TE: Some are hailing this as the next “space race,” saying it will drive competition and lower prices of the tasty cheese sauce—
AB: Which has gotten ridiculously expensive.
TE: Absolutely. I haven’t been able to buy any in months. But critics say that the last thing the world needs is restaurants venturing into space. We’ll discuss after a quick word from today’s sponsors.
CNN article
Published June 2027
Two Hospitalized After TikTok ‘Suncheese Challenge’
What started as fun turned into tragedy after two teenagers were hospitalized with second-degree burns due to the latest TikTok trend, the so-called “Suncheese Challenge.” The challenge consists of heating Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Sauce to boiling temperatures and trying to eat it. The teens suffered burns on their tongues and in their throats.
MSNBC Andrea Mitchell Reports
August 2031
Interview with Dr. Michael Thompson, climatologist and author of Cut The Cheese: Why We Must Stop Consuming The Sun.
Andrea Mitchell: Michael, thank you for joining us. So you predict a serious global impact from consuming the Sun’s plasma?
Michael Thompson: Yes, that’s right. We’ve already consumed too much.
AM: But what about those who say that the nacho cheese sauce is an infinite resource that we can make at home?
MT: That was a nice pipe dream five years ago, Andrea. But let’s be real: nobody can recreate the exact taste of Taco Bell’s Nacho Cheese Sauce because Taco Bell never made it using ingredients on Earth. It was always mined from the Sun, decades before anyone found out.
AM: The NRDC tried to prove that in a court of law and was slapped down.
MT: You’re right, and I can’t prove the allegation now. But what I can predict—what I can show you—is that with future decreased sun output will come another Ice Age. Are you prepared for that?
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The Guardian article
Published May 17, 2035
Taco Bell CEO Says Public Appetite Is Responsible For Darker Sun
Speaking on the sidelines at the annual Foodservice Conference & Expo on Wednesday, May 16, Taco Bell CEO Karl Stills attributed the recent decrease in sun luminosity to the collective appetite of the public, citing it as the driving force behind the celestial change.
In his statement, Stills defended Taco Bell’s menu offerings, emphasizing that the restaurant chain merely responds to consumer demand.
“Taco Bell was providing its signature Nacho Cheese Sauce for many years before the Sun began to grow darker,” Stills added. “Taco Bell’s menu innovations are a direct response to consumer preferences, not a causative factor in astronomical phenomena.”
Despite Stills’ assertions, many astrophysicists and climatologists have expressed certainty of a direct link between sun mining from Taco Bell and other food corporations and the observed decrease in sun output.
Taco Bell maintains that its research team has not conclusively found any determinative evidence showing that the Sun’s decreased output is harmful. “A decreased output is a natural part of the solar cycle,” argued Taco Bell’s chief scientist, Dr. Evan Roberts. “The measured decrease is only about 1.34 percent. There is no cause to panic.”
Arctic Rescue Keepers (A.R.K.) Passenger Manifest, Premier Class
Departure: May 31, 2070
June Walton—Age: 35—Passenger ID: ARK-P001
Pat Bezos—Age: 21—Passenger ID: ARK-P002
Angela Mars—Age: 60—Passenger ID: ARK-P003
Kevin Koch—Age: 49—Passenger ID: ARK-P004
Marcus Cargill-MacMillan—Age: 53—Passenger ID: ARK-P005
A.R.K. Brochure
YOUR GREAT ESCAPE
Fleeing the planet doesn’t have to be a hassle. When traversing the galaxy on the luxury departure vessel A.R.K., you will have access to all the finest Earth amenities: Olympic-sized swimming pools, fruits and vegetables, spa treatments, authentic nacho cheese sauce, space heaters—all this and more, thanks to our generous corporate sponsors. Say goodbye to ice sheets and everlasting snowfall when you board the A.R.K.
Suite reservation requires a $1 billion deposit. Act now! Your time is running out.
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